Are There Real Friendships?

Friendships, relationships between people, how do we know when they are real and sustainable and will endure?  Is there any point in continuing the work of investing into a relationship when that relationship could end at any moment and for unforeseen reasons?

What about forming relationships with people because you are associated with the same institution they are– such as a church or your child’s school? Should you expect that those relationships are real friendships? Are they?

I have found that they are not. I have found that once you leave that institution, no matter the circumstances, the relationship will end, either quickly or slowly, but it will end. That makes me think that the friendship was never really one in the first place. It was an illusion. A time waster. A fun sucker.

Recently, my brother’s girlfriend of many years decided to end their relationship. Over the last couple of years, she and I had begun to grow close. We communicated often on Facebook and sometimes by phone. We enjoyed each other’s company on our annual family reunion weekends. She was communicating often with my tween daughter. When she suddenly broke up with my brother, she cut us off with no forewarning. She de-Facebooked us with nary a word. She stopped speaking to us. Over. Done with you people. This caused me and my daughter a tremendous amount of grief. It was a huge and shocking loss. And while she apologized for her handling of the matter some time later, I understood our friendship had not been a real one — it was only an illusion. It was over. Time spent developing the relationship felt to me time utterly wasted.

Last week, my college-aged half-brother de-Facebooked his entire family on his deceased father’s side, including my grown sons. He cut them off his My Space also. He will not return my phone calls. He will not answer any emails. What is this supposed to mean? No forewarning. No explanation as to why or a complaint that something had happened. Nothing. Nada communicado. How fun, isn’t it?

One of my daughter’s friends will not return her phone calls. The girl invited her to church and when my daughter gathered the courage to call her back and accept the invitation two days later she had to leave a message on the girl’s mother’s cell phone. No one from that family will call her back.  Has the friendship ended? Why did the girl invite her to church then?

She lost another friendship when she had a girl over for a sleepover and talked about the Twilight books. Unbeknowest to me and to my daughter, communication about Twilight is not allowed in this girl’s life. The mother did not tell me prior to the sleepover despite KNOWING that my daughter is a huge Twilight fan. The mother was angry at my daughter for talking about the books, for wanting to pretend about the story when all her daughter had told my daughter was that she didn’t like Twilight. Well, my daughter doesn’t like the Power Rangers but that does not mean someone cannot talk about them.

But the mother didn’t tell me this had happened until months later after I had to point blank ask her why the girl wasn’t calling my daughter back. She also came up with a story from even farther back when my daughter supposedly physically hurt her daughter but nothing was said both at the exact time it happened or right after. Nothing was even said to my daughter at the time by any adult on hand and my daughter doesn’t think she did hurt her. Really, why didn’t her daughter call her mother that night and ask to go home if she didn’t want to hear what my daughter supposedly kept on talking about? Why didn’t she come to me and tell me my daughter was breaking their family’s rule? Why didn’t the mother tell me about this rule before the sleep-over?

I think the mother needed an excuse to end the friendship because another girl in their group had ended her relationship with my daughter suddenly and with no real cause. Well, the girl haughtily claimed, my daughter talked about boys too much and she didn’t like her. Fine. My daughter didn’t really like her either– too much of a tomboy.

We felt so betrayed by this family, that we ended the relationship. Especially, since the mother implied our family lacked in character and now all visits between the girls had to be closely supervised. This was the fourth bad experience my daughter had with children from a particular group.  Experiences that included bullying, cyber-bullying, refusing to speak to my daughter and refusing to tell anyone why, etc etc etc.  What is up with people?

The older I get the more reclusive I get and the more I would rather spend time with the animals at the animal shelter. People are cutting each other off as if people themselves are expendable. As if people were devoid of inner emotions. Is this a result of the electronic media deluge in our lives? What is going on with the girls of today and what is being taught them about how to treat other girls?

How am I supposed to continue encouraging my daughter to reach out to other children and try and form friendships with them?

People don’t work their problems out anymore. If you bother them, cross the line, don’t meet up to their expectations, send too many applications on Facebook, don’t believe exactly what they believe — they’re done with you. It’s over. If you leave the church or your kid leaves the school — they’re done with you. It’s over.

I think this is why Emily Dickinson stopped receiving visitors and only spent time with a very few select people. She got sick and tired of having her heart broken, her trust betrayed, her efforts mean naught. When you love deeply, it hurts deeply to lose people that you have invested yourself in. People you have let in.