Pyromaniac Elmers Gluemanola

I have something in my eye I think the doctor called a Pyromaniac Elmers Gluemanola. It is an alien growth in my lower eye lid that I must now have removed by a plastic surgeon who said, “No, I cannot give you a face lift for free while I’m carving apart your tear duct and removing the alien.”

This alien I have in my tear duct was put there by my eye doctor to help me with Desert Storm eyes. This is the condition some of us forty-somethings get when our tears turn to sand and the sand crusts in their corners and we need to hook up artificial tear drop bottles to tubes and then insert the bottles into little holders on a dorky hat. Like those alcoholic convenience hats they wear to baseball games.  The tubes run right into the corners of our eyes so we can cry when the Tigers don’t go to the World Series like they should have last season.

When you have Desert Storm eyes, the doctor plugs your tear ducts so the tears can wash away your make-up instead of draining back into some unfathomable storm drain for tears. And no, you cannot stop wearing the hat.